how long can a wrongfull death take? also should''t the lawyer be returning phone calls and telling you what to expect. it has been over 3 years

All states impose on attorney's ethical duties with respect to communications with clients.  I would suggest you contact the attorney in writing with a deadline for contacting you to update you on the case.  Keep a copy of your written request.  If the attorney still fails to respond,  you can contact your state bar to make a bar complaint.  If you are sufficiently dissatisfied, you may terminate the attorney and hire someone else to take your case.