If there were defamatory proceedings done in court without my knowledge, any recourse?

I have been kept in the dark about these and no one will talk with me even friends. I have overheard many people talking about them and sounds like they were vicious and unnecessary to any sort of justice. Like shooting an unarmed man. Everybody is lying and the judge lets them get away with it. The judge was aiding the process and the framing. It has been nearly 3 years since I had first fears something was happening and it has been a nightmare of wonder and exclusion and denial of my rights. Fears like being sold downriver or taken out to be shot. Excused as "common good" but is based on lies and bullying and misinformation and authority figures involved. Many people in town seem to know of and I can get no information and no legal help. No one deserves this sort of abuse. Might be two separate cases one of sexual crimes/really way out of sight and vicious and "craziness"/ incompetence and litigation by someone in support? But I have no concrete details. I'm having traumatic stress. The Judge seems committed to brutality and exclusion of me from hearings. He seems to be saying that I will never be told and have no right to know. I have overheard I was actually convicted of a sexual crime and I had no knowledge of. I think excused as for "common good" because several more influential people had borne false witness and committed crimes against me.